Let go and let God.

 

You have to be greater than your sufferings. – Amazing Spiderman 2

Last year, when I got through from what I considered the “darkest moment of my life” I felt invincible. It was tough. I had never cried that much. I had never felt so helpless, hopeless, useless and weak. I felt like waking every morning was a struggle because I have to face another battle even if I knew at the end of the day I’m going to lose. It was exhausting to lose every time but God had never stopped giving me reasons to continue living so even if each night I have to cry myself to sleep, every moment I see the sun shining I held on to that hope that maybe – just maybe this time I’m going to win. That hope got me on my feet and made me face another day.

But I came to a point when I hated being alive. I got tired pretending to be superwoman during the day because whenever darkness falls in, I curl up in fear and in silent sobs, wish to never see the sun again. All I ever wanted was to give up during that time. I was so confused. I was consumed with the struggle I went through. I built my own world founded with insecurities, anger and resentment. I was a different person. I quit from my job. I dropped out from Law school. Missed prayer meetings. Hid myself from public and shut myself from the world. I wanted to stop living because I saw no end to the misery I went through. But there was my loving family who stood by me all throughout my depression. And I believe that God used them to kept me going. It was their presence that gave me hope.

I couldn’t tell you how I got through it. It was a process – a long agonizing journey. But God’s grace held me and just one day, I saw the sun. It hadn’t shone as brightly as it did that morning. From then on, I picked up the broken pieces of me and went on. When the year started, I got my hopes so high. I was finally back with my old self once again – joyful and hopeful. I was excited for whatever is ahead of me. I have overcome those dark days so I got more confident that there is nothing I couldn’t go through as long as I am with God.

Until suddenly, the clear blue sky turned to grey again. Little by little I lost that drive and excitement to live. Then I noticed the path I am following. It looked really familiar to me. I didn’t know how I came cross to that path again. The last thing I remember was waking up and being trapped in the same ground I was in last year. Why? I asked God. Why do I have to go through with this again? What have I done? Do I really deserve this? Haven’t I cried enough? There were so many unanswered questions running through my head and the desire to understand why I have to go through such misery grew stronger and stronger each day. I feared the things I cannot understand and control. That fear trapped me into an empty box where all I could see is my messy life. I became completely self-absorbed and was too focused on my own sufferings. I got too busy exalting my struggles that I forgot how God rescued me from the same misery I was in last year. While He was busy blessing me with so many good things, I however, kept on resenting about how my life had turned out for the past 2 years.

This is not the life I’ve dreamed of having. I thought. While everyone was moving forward I was stuck in a hopeless hole watching life pass through me. And no matter how hard I try to figure things out, it still didn’t make sense at all. I continued to resent my situation, but at the same time still tried to grasp a ray of hope that everything will come to an end.

I didn’t want a repeat. I had struggled enough and I know it was all because of my choices. Last year I chose to drown myself in the sea of depression and self-pity. I chose to lock myself in the four corners of my room and let the tears run through my eyes. I chose to agonized myself and imprisoned by my sufferings. NOT AGAIN. Not this time. I had no idea why I have to undergo the same test but maybe this time God wanted me to rise above my situation and let everyone see that I can move the mountain I am facing. Maybe God wanted me to fully commit myself to Him, depend on no one but Him and put my trust and hope in Him even when things are not making sense at all.

As they say nothing comes easy. On August, I was tasked to face and lead His thousands of people into worshiping Him. I wasn’t ready. I was not on my best state. But then Why? I kept asking the Lord. Why do you have to expose me in my lowest point? When there is no ounce of confidence left in me? I was totally torn and drained. How am I going to do it? But little did I know it was God’s way of humbling me. So I would stop depending on my self. I didn’t realize the moment I tried to figure things on my own and exalted my struggles above anything I was already limiting God’s greatness and what He can do to my life. I kept telling myself that I am fighting this battle with God but I was lying. I left and pushed Him away because I felt like I know what I’m doing and I can handle myself better. And it was also His way of telling me that my life shouldn’t be about me at all. It should be about Him alone, that I should live my life exalting no one but Him.

God often uses our deepest pain as a launching pad of our deepest calling. -Anonymous

That was the turning point of my life. It opened my eyes to the wonders God had done all this time. I learned to let go and let God. I learned to trust the unknown future to the known God. And after that I witnessed how the tables had turned. I realized I was never alone in my battle. I have the rest of my family who have been so patient with me even when I was so hard to handle. They sympathized and understood me despite having their own battles. I have supportive friends who cheer me up. I have prayer partners who constantly pray for me. And most importantly I have God, who never gave up on me. I got so distracted that I fail to see how blessed I am for having such a strong support system – that alone is more than enough of a blessing to me.

The past two years of my life was indeed a whirlwind. I thought I wasn’t making a change and was not achieving anything but I’m all wrong. Because in my heart I know that I am growing, learning and maturing in faith. I will never be ashamed of how my life had turned out. Although this wasn’t how I wanted my life to be but I believe that God’s plan is way way way better than mine. I don’t know yet what’s in store for me in the future but that shouldn’t concern me. It is not my job. It is Gods’.

Now as of writing this I am at peace and happy. Things are getting better and better. I am back with my old self once again. From time to time I still stumble nevertheless I refuse to give up. I will continue to stand on my ground and try and try and try harder until I become the woman God wants me to be.

In this season of Christmas I am sharing my story to everyone esp. to those who are struggling. Who can’t see hope in their situation. Who feels that they are alone in a battlefield. Who are tired of fighting and trying and doing it over and over. Who wanted to stop living. Whoever you maybe, wherever you maybe and whatever your situation maybe always know that if you are tired of fighting a seemingly never ending battle, God is calling you to cast your burdens on Him. I know it wouldn’t be easy but just let go. Know that He is God and you are not. Things may not making sense to you now that is because you can only see a part of the bigger picture while God can see everything. Choose to trust Him always. He is greater than any obstacle you are facing right now. You may not see Him. But He is there. He had counted every teardrop that fell on your cheeks. You may not hear His voice but He had listened to your silent sobs. You may not understand His ways but know that He is working the best of everything for you. You may not know it now but you surely will someday. So don’t give up. I tell you it is going to be worth it.

Yes. I am a survivor of depression and the only reason why I made it through is because of Jesus, the Lord my God and my Savior.

Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. (Hebrews 13:5)